Letting Go of Self-Criticism
Where Does Self-Criticism Come From?
Self-criticism comes from a lot of places. It may be so deeply entrenched that you might not even realize how often you engage in negative self talk. Maybe yours comes from internalized messages engrained from childhood. Maybe the root cause for you is perfectionism. Maybe it feels unclear.
What is clear is that negative self talk is associated with many mental health concerns such as anxiety, depression, self esteem issues, and stress just to name a few. Some may even call it toxic self criticism for this reason. You may be surprised to learn that self-criticism may be harming your relationships as well. When we are hard on ourselves, we are also more likely to be critical of others.
How to Overcome Self-Criticism:
Created by Dr. Kristin Neff, the research and practice of self-compassion is a field with an ever growing evidence base. The simplest definition of self-compassion is “with suffering” or simply treating yourself as you would a good friend. Self-compassion is dose dependent, meaning it matters how much time you spend practicing it in order to see results. It’s often suggested to engage in intentional and mindful self-compassion for about 20 minutes a day. This may feel difficult at first, but like most good habits, it will become more second nature with time.
Self-compassion is more than just being kind to yourself, though that is certainly part of it. Self-compassion is a three-part process. In this post, you will learn more about what self-compassion is, and ways you can incorporate it into your own life.
The Three Elements of Self-Compassion
Self-Kindness versus Self-Judgment
This step involves practicing engaging in positive self talk, rather than harsh negative self talk. This is truly the practice of talking to yourself like you would talk to a good friend. We often wouldn’t dream of talking to our friends the way we talk to ourselves. This step involves becoming your own friend or companion during difficult times.
Example: “I did the best I could with the resources I had at the time” rather than “I always make such stupid mistakes, I am so dumb”
Common Humanity versus Isolation
This step includes reminding yourself that suffering is a part of the human condition, and that you are not alone in your suffering. This includes recognizing and accepting that life is not perfect, and neither are we as people. Oftentimes, when we experience shame or guilt about a mistake we made, we may be tempted to self isolate, which may make bad feelings even worse.
Example: Reaching out to a friend you know has experienced something similar for support rather than staying home for the night out of some sort of self punishment.
Mindfulness versus Over-Identification
This step entails allowing yourself to simply be present to whatever emotion you are currently experiencing. This includes resisting the urge to run away from, or numb your emotions. Because emotions are so powerful, people often over-identify with what they are currently feeling.
Example: “I am experiencing a feeling of sadness/overwhelm/exhaustion” instead of “I am always so sad or overwhelmed or exhausted.” The first acknowledges that this is a temporary state that will pass, the second makes it feel like this feeling is a permanent state.
3 Ways to Practice Self-Compassion Now
Begin with a “self-compassion mantra.” Play around with a go-to comforting phrase you can say to yourself whenever you are struggling. Example: “I did the best I could, and I am worthy of empathy and understanding.”
Use guided meditations. Self-compassion.org has many free meditations to help you begin your self compassion meditation practice.
Start writing or journaling. Self-compassion.org also has free writing prompts to help you tap into your thoughts and how they may inform your behaviors.
